I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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