just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
