I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
