he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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