People in love make me want to vomit
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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