I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
