my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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