Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
