seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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