my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
