i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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