sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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