everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
