I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
