Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
