My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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