If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
