Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
