So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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