I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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