Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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