I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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