I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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