my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
