Where is the hickey?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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