yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
i've created a new STD.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
