my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
