According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
