When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
