Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
