it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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