So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
