It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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