The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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