FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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