i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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