Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
