Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
how do you play pong handcuffed?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
