Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Randomize
