i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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