Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
