We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
i came on her dog
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
