i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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