The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
