he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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