All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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