textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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