what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
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