The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
