you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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